Archive for October, 2011


October 27, 2011

Exhibit A–Rob Gronkowski is in a bedroom with pornstar Bibi Jones


Aaaaaaaaannd then he nailed her

Week 7 came and went and we are now officially on the backside of the season, six weeks remain until the playoffs start. We have pretty good parity going on right now as there is no clear cut number one, lots of middle of the road and only one true cellar dweller, sorry Chinch Bugs. Let’s get to the meat…curtains…Gronkowski.

CANUCKS (5-2) V TIMID PUPPIES (3-4) – After losing in week one, the Canucks had ripped off five straight wins and were on a roll. Then Blount got hurt, then Graham got hurt, then McFadden got hurt…and that means you lose. Mike Vick on a bye doesn’t help either. Meanwhile, the Pups are thankful for the Week 6 recap in which yours truly said Arian Foster was not the guy he was supposed to be as a #1. Well that changed pretty dramatically. The production will need to stay near that level going forward.

THE DODGER (5-2) V THE GREENS (5-2) – Someone had to lose this game, as in all fantasy games, fuck ties. Well this one would be no tie as Aaron Rodgers and company went nuts yet again. Waiver wire pick up of the week was DeMarco Murray, who rushed for 253 and a score, that’s always nice. Brees does what he has been doing all year and that’s put up huge points, but it wasn’t enough for The Greens as the 128 combined among Rodgers, Forte, Murray and Johnson was enough for the win alone.

 SPINE SNAPPERS (4-3) V TEAM MEXICO (4-3) – Battle for the middle and boy was it an ugly one. Forced to sit Thomas Brady on his bye week, the Snappers started Matty Ice, who whizzed a pedestrian 20 points. Chris Johnson is a jive turkey pussy that doesn’t run the same anymore now that he is all paid and shit. Team Mexico got baked on dirt weed and started a WR on a bye, but seeing what Torrain did, I don’t think it would have mattered. This one needs no further comment, ugly game.

EASY RIDERS (3-4) V BASSTURDZ (2-5) – When your team performs like the Bassturdz did in week 7, you walk into the locker room, toss around a bunch of gasoline and torch the place. That was seriously pathetic. Easy Riders got a game out of Shonn Greene finally and lookie there over on the bench, who is that humming a hymnal rocking back and forth? It’s none other than Teebus. Will we see him make his Easy Riders debut at QB in week 8? Only Christ the Lord on High knows.

FLABSLAB (3-4) V CHINCH BUGS (1-6) – While I’m recapping this slugfest, and by slugfest I mean a practical forfeit, let me say this, if you have issues getting to a computer to set your lineup, let me know and I will set it for you. There should be no reason that four guys on bye are in the lineup. Really, I know you may drink like an Irish dock worker while you’re on a road trip, but shoot me a text and say “plz set my lineup, srsly” and I will.  Cameron Newton is really solidifying his case for rookie of the year on O. And wow, Ray Rice and the rest of the Ravens put on the ugly game of the week on MNF. Guess the timing was right for the SLAB.

Bring on Week 8.




October 21, 2011


“Carson, I say we go with the mustard pic instead of the mayo.”

All right, all right, I’m sorry about not getting a Recap up for Week 5. Let’s get right into some meat on the league. The NFL trade deadline has passed, but we are able to make trades in our league until 11/29/2011. So, fire ’em up if you’ve got them. Let’s get to the week 6 action.

CANUCKS (5-1) V THE DODGER (4-2) – Arguably two of the best teams in the league squared up in week six and the game did not disappoint. Both teams were very very even in production save for super TE Jimmy Graham, who is having a really nice season. Each team had a solid  game and it even appeared that the Dodger may have enough in the tank to pull off the win, but Santonio Holmes came up short…and Calvin Johnson didn’t score, that’s weird. Looks like Earnest Graham will do fine filling in for Blount. Both teams will win plenty more games.

THE GREENS (5-1) V EASY RIDERS (2-4) – The Greens are off to a pretty solid start and it all begins with Brees, who has not had a single game with less than 30 fantasy points. That will always put you in a good position. And wow, Ahmad Bradshaw, really? It’s no surprise that I am mentioning Fred Jackson AGAIN in a recap, this guys seems to get better every week. The Easy Riders had an OK game, but it took a 24 point effort from the DST to even sniff 100, which is not a good stat. The glaring weakness on this team is QB. I’m unsure about Peyton’s return, but he sure is hard to cut when the Colts won’t place him in IR.

TEAM MEXICO (4-2) V CHICNH BUGS (1-5) – The season for the Chinch Bugs is really going more like a bad infestation of bed bugs, it’s just gets more and more irritating. The pieces are in place for a run, but it’s the little things that wear you down in fantasy, like your stud RB not hitting 100 yds. Team Mexico is patch working his way in to the top 5 and getting Ws…see Ryan Torrain and Roddy White. One’s a scrub and the other was drafted as a number 1 WR. They combined for 4 points. Meanwhile, you get 13 from your kicker and you’re happy.  Fuck it, it’s a win.

SPINE SNAPPERS (3-3) V BASSTURDZ (2-4) – The brothers Malina squared off in this week 6 matchup and the Bassturdz held a serious advantage. Bye weeks forced the Spine Snappers to bench ALL of their starting RBs and a WR. Fortunately, Colston produced and kept the game respectable, but in the end, this one was over before it began. Rashard Mendenhall had a nice bounce back game for the Turdz and Stafford has been solid, 33 point average. The rest of the staff didn’t do much, but not a lot was needed. Again, fuck it, it’s a win.

FLABSLAB (2-4) V TIMID PUPPIES (2-4) – In a battle for the 2nd win of the season, the Pups and the Slab went to battle. Poor Arian Foster just isn’t the guy he was last year, and certainly not looking like the #1 overall pick that he was. Through six weeks, he’s missed two games and has scored 59 points total. That hurts. The one-two punch of Gore and Rice is a nice combo for the Slab and when Romo plays well, this team can put up points. Looks like Steven Jackson is back too, so this could be a heavy running team. The Pups need some players to start putting up double digits. When all but two players (one being the DST) score 9 or under, including a zero from a player that played the entire game, winning will not come easily.

It’s Friday, and I’m ready for a drink.



October 7, 2011

Nothing wrong with a litte ground and pound.

There are several quite interesting stories unfolding in the NFL now that four weeks have been played. Injuries are out of control, that has a lot to do with the lock out. The SF 49ers are 3-1 and probably the worst 3-1 team in football. The Eagles are a bunch of pussies and sit at 1-3 but have a better chance of making the playoffs than the niners IMO. The Colts REALLY suck without Manning and are, yes you guessed it, winless.  That snuggles them up in the same bed with Minnesota and St. Louis, who farted?

SPINE SNAPPERS (3-1) V EASY RIDERS (2-2) —  This game was pretty close all the way through Sunday’s action and appeared to hinge on the Sunday night game as Easy Riders had the Jets D and Plaxico. At one point, the two teams were separated by a single point, but defenses almost always go backwards, and they did. Plax didn’t have it in him. If Peterson is going to carry the Vikings, they need to bench McNabb right now and start Ponder, nothing left to lose. Beanie Wells…questionable up until kickoff, 138 yds on the ground and 3 TDs, thanks bud.

CANUCKS (3-1) V FLABSLAB (1-3) – I guess you could say that Cameron Newton is a legit candidate for offensive rookie of the year. The guy is balling and actually throws a good pass in the NFL. Another rookie, Julio Jones had a pretty solid outing. Canucks were too much for the FLAB though, Jimmy Graham had a monster game at TE and LeGarrette Blount capped off the weeks action with 127yds and an old school 35 yd run off tackle for a score on MNF. Did you hear the one about Hank Williams Jr., the Rabbi and Obama? Never mind.

THE DODGER (3-1) V TIMID PUPPIES (1-3) – Well, look, if you’re going to lose a game in fantasy football would you rather be in it and lose at the last second or just get your ass reamed out and move on? Once Matt Forte went for 205, you knew it was going to be a long day for the Pups. Starting Arian Foster would have been a good move, but wouldn’t have mattered. And Rodgers, Jesus Christ, what a fucking game for the Cal Bear. Doesn’t get much better when two players outscore the opposing team in FF. Andre Johnson injury could be a problem though.

THE GREENS (3-1) V TEAM MEXICO (2-2) – When neither of your QBs breaks 10, you gotta get up off the bathroom floor, put the pill bottle  back in the cabinet and grab another beer; you’re team is going to lose. Team Mexico got some production out of his two starting RBs but that was about it. The WR position may be an issue for The Greens in the future, but right now they are hitting the bubbler on all cylinders. I think Fred Jackson is one of the best backs in the league right now, let’s see how this continues to trend.

BASSTURDZ (1-3) V CHINCH BUGS (1-3) – Well lookie here, the Bassturdz made a move and got themselves a QB. And their first win. That wasn’t even his best game, but it added a little more stability to a shaky roster. Welker’s a stud, flat out, he keeps making plays. And the Redskins D? Seven thacks, jeezzthuth. Chinch Bugs got caught in a classic case of QB Monty, this is where you start the guy you benched last week based on his previous weeks performance, then the guy you bench goes off…and you lose. And you thought the Redskins D was tough, hello Baltimore, god damn.

Let’s pop a cap on this week, and here’s to a burnt orange sunset. Fuck OU.