Posts Tagged ‘Big Ben’


September 15, 2011

White Gandalf hates your team

Aaaaaaaaaand begin, 2011 Fantasy Football is under way and Week 1 is in the books. We celebrated the beginning of a new season on the 10th anniversary of the attacks of September 11 so I give you one of the classic montages created out of the post-twin towers patriotic flurry; behold.

Yes, that is an eagle sitting on Lassie’s back.

CHINCH BUGS (1-0) V THE GREENS (0-1) – Let me just start by saying it sure sucks to be the guy that could have beaten anyone in the league only to be winless after week 1 because the other team was on fire. Chinch Bugs, AKA Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe AKA Mel Kiper’s Hair have emerged as week one’s top of the heap team after most of his players performed admirably. LeSean McCoy looks to be a premier back. The Greens got a ton of solid work as well, beginning with Mr. Brees. The Kenny Britt benching cost them this week and I think I spy three QBs on that roster… “trade bait” is going to be thrown around a bit too casually in the coming weeks.

THE DODGER (1-0) V MOVE LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE (0-1) – Let me just start off by saying this; It’s “FLOAT like a butterfly, sting like a bee” the rest of it is all semantics. The 2010 champ squared up to week one with a 43 point performance from Mr. Rodgers, not a bad way to begin. But this one would be a heavyweight that was ultimately lost by MLABSLAB on the back of the Cowboys…INT and fumble by Romo late and a late TD by the Cowboys D iced it. Dodger had no kicker and won. Forte looked good, Ray Rice is a beast.

EASY RIDERS (1-0) V TIMID PUPPIES (0-1) – Let the Kevin Kolb era begin in Arizona! He looked pretty good and certainly has some targets. Schaub…oh Schaub, I remember this from last year when he was MY quarterback. If you bench him, he goes off, if you start him, well, you see what I’m getting at. Cutler looked as good as he has ever looked in passing for 300+ against Atlanta. I thought that game would be closer. Arian Foster the people needs to get healthy quick. The C-Bomb went nuts on Cleveland and he looked like the Benson of old, nice 39 yard rushing TD. I expect both these teams to win quite a few ball games this year.

SPINE SNAPPERS (1-0) V CANUCKS (0-1) — This may have been the game of the week. The Canucks led 104-57after Sunday’s action. It certainly wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility that Brady could deliver 48 points for the Spine Snappers to win it, but the Canucks also had Darren McFadden rushing against the Denver defense that he feasts upon annually. Soooooo, Brady went off for 71, holy fuck; Snaps up 24. Now the Canucks were on the ropes. McFadden continued to do his thing and it looked certain that he had 25 points in him, but what appeared to be a TD was ruled down at the 1 and Bush got the score. Wow, that was a nail biter.

TEAM MEXICO (1-0) V BASSTURDZ (0-1) – Very even match up here, neither team left anything on the bench and just as many active players shit their pants and didn’t score. Looks like Mexico will have to release the Flacc from here on out because Manning’s return is very questionable. Bassturdz are hurting at QB, this could be an issue, or maybe it was just the Ravens. Big Ben could be fine. Now let’s talk about the guy who is 6-2 250lbs (which I think is being kind) that can swing his fucking leg over his head like it’s on a swivel. That’s right Seb-Jan kicked a 63 yarder on Monday night to open the season, wow. He was knocking them through at 75 yards in pregame. Just imagine what he could do if he wasn’t always on the date rape drug?

Bring on Week 2,




December 21, 2010

And then there were two. The second week of the playoffs is in the books and everything has gone according to plans if you look at the seedings. One and two both advanced and we have the matchup of the two best teams in the Super Bowl. This is by no means the way it always happens, but 2010 is the year of the favorites. Speaking of favorites, cheerleaders are nice too. See video above.

1ST SEED-THE DOGDER V 6TH SEED-SPINE SNAPPERS – After battling through the first round of the playoffs, the Spine Snappers had to make all the right moves to get past the one seed, a tall task. Let’s just make it short and sweet; they did not make all the right moves. It started with a bagel from the TE on Thursday night and only got worse. The coaching call in question was benching Maclin against the Giants in favor of Garcon, who was on a hot streak and facing a porous Jags defense. Well, that did not work out so well, in fact it was enough to be eliminated from the playoffs. The Dodger needed only 7 points from his kicker Robbie Gould, a not so easy task in the snow in Minnesota, but the chore proved easy enough to rain a Gould-en shower all over the Spine Snappers for 16 points. Ray Rice was another MAJOR cog in that wheel for The Dodger as he went off for his best performance of the year aside from Week 5 against Denver. This will be crucial in the next game, which is for all the marbles. THE DODGER 126 – SPINE SNAPPERS 116

2nd SEED-BASSTURDZ V 4TH SEED-TEAM MEXICO – Team Mexico was riding a wave into Round 2 of the playoffs. Beers poppin’, bowls loaded, potential opponents being called out, the world was his oyster, time for a return to glory after last year’s Super Bowl disappointment. So confident was Team Mexico that he spearheaded the effort to eliminate the 3rd place game, which has always paid the buy in for the victor. Then of course there’s the old adage, “that’s why they play the games.” It was at this time that all the candy fell out of TM’s piñata, nobody showed up. Meanwhile, Bassturdz got major work out of a team of 7. TO went out, Gates was out and Heap of shit didn’t play, didn’t matter to the Bassturdz. No drama; just points. Ball game BASSTURDZ 107 – TEAM MEXICO 64


1ST SEED-THE DODGER V 2ND SEED-BASSTURDZ – Well well well, one v two for the freaking trophy. This one should be very interesting. We know Matty Ice will be a slinging the ball around the field against New Orleans on Monday night. The question is, will Brady be doing the same thing against Buffalo? Or will he be on the bench by halftime because the Pats have already locked up their playoff position? If you look at matchups, The Dodger has the more favorable matchups for his players; see MJD @ Washington and Rice @ Cleveland. Bassturdz have an edge at WR, as both Colston and Andre Johnson are playing at a high level. Foster is hurt so look for Schaub to find Johnson a lot against a sorry Denver team, Champ Bailey be damned. Oakland is playing Indy so McFadden will get loose, but Oakland has a decent secondary and LBs, so will Tamme get loose? As for the defenses, flip a coin, both are playing lousy opponents, but the Cowboys had a hard time stopping Rex Grossman. Pats had a hard time against young Matt Flynn too, but edge goes to the Patriots. Both Teams are 9-5 going into the Super Bowl, but only one can emerge with the magical 10th win. Handicapping the big one is tough; edge The Dodger.

Now who wants to play the bridesmaid Spine Snappers for a case of beer?



November 16, 2010

Let me just start by saying that Coach Brown WILL NOT give up without a fight…as long as that means you can count fighting with members of the media. Anyhooooo, let’s get down to the business at hand. Sorry for the spotty recaps this year, I know it’s tough when your team whips an ass one week and you don’t get your congratulatory pat on the ass. Nice job kid, keep up the good work. Three short weeks left in the regular season and only six can go through to the postseason. Everyone perceives that they have a chance, but not for long.

THE GREENS (7-3) V BASSTURDZ (6-4) – All good things must come to an end, and for The Greens, that meant the three game streak that vaulted him to the top of the standings with 7 wins was squashed at the hands of the Turdz. It all began Thursday when the Bassturdz played 43 with Matthews to The Greens 3 with Turner; party started. Scrappy Fitzpatrick was not able to get it done this time and Marshall is kind of a head case, so it was difficult for the Greens to keep smoking. Andre Johnson did what he does and the Bassturdz started Janikowski even though he was on his bye week, tripping on X and canoodling with Russian strippers. Nice gig.

TEAM MEXICO (6-4) V EASY RIDERS (3-7) – Speaking of smoking, Team Mexico is on fire. After starting 1-4, the beans have ripped off 5 straight wins to vault themselves well into playoff contention. This time on the arm of Flacco. The scary part is that if he could have picked the right QB each week, he’d be leading the league in points by a mile. For the Easy Riders, the road gets pretty rough going forward, all must win games. I’m sure Peyton Manning NOT throwing a touchdown pass was purely an aberration, expect more in week 11.

CANUCKS (6-4) V TIMID PUPPIES (4-6) – Very ironic that the two highest scoring teams in the league have mirror opposite records. Timid Puppies last two games have been explosions of points, 276 in two games, and he’s getting them from the entire starting lineup. Depth for this squad is another subject entirely. The Canucks are right in the mix as usual and in fact put up a pretty decent score after Mike Wallace’s big performance on Sunday night. But it wouldn’t be enough. This theme continued in Week 10 for another team.

THE DODGER (6-4) V SPINE SNAPPERS (5-5) – In What appeared to be a lopsided game, The Dodger trailed 131-87 after all the afternoon games had been played. With only one player left, Ben Gropethisfurburger, it was looking bleak for The Dodger. And after one half of play, the QB had only amassed 5 points. But in a tale of two halves, the Steelers mounted a comeback, not unlike Big Ben in a bathroom, and when the dust settled, The Dodger had a 7 point lead going into MNF. Spine Snappers needed yards and a TD from Maclin to make it to the .500 mark and got it right before halftime. Michael Vick came out of the gates like rabid dog and the Eagles scored 5 TDs in the first half. Tough to lose when you score more than 7 other teams. But fantasy football is like that.

SOMEHWERE OVER D-WAYNE BOWE (4-6) V EARMUFFS (3-7) – This game could be, no, in fact it is the comeback of the season. Going in to MNF, Earmuffs trailed 83-28 and it looked all but certain that SODWB would snap his 3-game slide. But as we all know, you’re always in it if you have a dog in the fight…especially if his name is Mike Vick. Vick put up a season high 72 points, which would have been enough to win it, but Earmuffs also has McCoy, who added another 15 for good measure. SODWB’s waiver wire QB turned out nicely, but the double Tights experiment backfired as Pettigrew and Gonzales both shit the bed. This can be a brutal game.