Posts Tagged ‘fantasy football’

WEEK 11 RECAP

November 23, 2011

The doc said I may be out for 6 to 8 weeks, which gives Cutty more time for the 6 to 9.

Short week, quick turnaround for the NFL and fantasy footballers out there. Get your lineups set, I don’t want to hear about how you had your hand up a turkey’s ass and couldn’t get a player into the starting lineup. Week 11 down and only two more games until the playoffs start.

THE DODGER (8-3) V SPINE SNAPPERS (6-5) – The Snappers and The Dodger squared off for the second time this season and for the second time, the Snappers got the W, so of the 3 TOTAL losses this year for the league leader, two came by way of the Snap. Interesting fact. It all came down to MNF as the Dodger held a fifteen point lead courtesy of Aaron Rodgers and co, but Tom Brady threw up just enough points to get the Snappers the much needed win, playoff implications are huge here! Dodger gets Andre Johnson back this upcoming week, look out.

THE GREENS (8-3) V TIMID PUPPIES (3-8) – The Greens are throttling these days, lots of output coming  from this group. The Gronk has been the star of the show IMO; that’s three games in a row over 20 points for the porn star nailing tight end, ohhhhh K! Timid Puppies are what you could characterize as a “snake bit” team, just can’t seem to get anything going. Bench Mike Williams, he goes for 14, start Eric Decker, he farts out a bagel. Bench Jerome Simpson and he goes for 19, this shit doesn’t end. Greens are now jockeying for the top spot with the Dodger.

TEAM MEXICO (7-4) V CANUCKS (5-6) – You keep stirring the pot, the beans get softer. But someone added salt early, so these beans are getting tougher. Team Mexico just keeps winning. After hitting .500, they have ripped off three straight wins, which is huge right now. Care needs to be taken down the stretch to avoid coaching errors though, like starting a player on a bye week. Canucks were yet AGAIN hit with an injury at an unfortunate time. Matthew Hasselbeck got hurt and that just killed it for the Canucks. Anyone see LaGarrette Blount’s TD run? Holy shit.

FLABSLAB (6-5) V BASSTURDZ (3-8) – When FLABSLAB woke up and checked the standings, he let out a shriek only matched by the likes of Justin Bieber fans and Richard Simmons. He was, alas, ranked in the position ahead of the other 6-5 teams, which has been a real sore spot for him of late. Tony Romo, Ray Rice, Torrey Smith…need I say more? Those three combined for 92, the Bassturdz total output. Turdz got 54 of 92 out of Matthew Stafford and yet another bagel from James Jones, ouch. The liga luche bass mask and the finger was given to the guys on this squad who can’t produce.

EASY RIDERS (5-6) V CHINCH BUGS (4-7) – Chinch Bugs are making life tough on many squads as they try and creep into the playoffs at the sixth spot. These final two weeks will be interesting indeed. Two zeroes from Manningham and Marshall should have derailed the Chinch Bugs, but the injury to Adrian Peterson kept the Easy Riders in check as well as Greg Jennings’ worst performance of the season. Easy Riders need wins to stay in the playoff hunt. It will be interesting to see how this shakes out because ER has been trading wins for losses as of late. Will a W be on the slate this week?

Stay tuned boyzz, Happy Thanksgiving.

Commi$h

WEEK 7 RECAP

October 27, 2011

Exhibit A–Rob Gronkowski is in a bedroom with pornstar Bibi Jones

 

Aaaaaaaaannd then he nailed her

Week 7 came and went and we are now officially on the backside of the season, six weeks remain until the playoffs start. We have pretty good parity going on right now as there is no clear cut number one, lots of middle of the road and only one true cellar dweller, sorry Chinch Bugs. Let’s get to the meat…curtains…Gronkowski.

CANUCKS (5-2) V TIMID PUPPIES (3-4) – After losing in week one, the Canucks had ripped off five straight wins and were on a roll. Then Blount got hurt, then Graham got hurt, then McFadden got hurt…and that means you lose. Mike Vick on a bye doesn’t help either. Meanwhile, the Pups are thankful for the Week 6 recap in which yours truly said Arian Foster was not the guy he was supposed to be as a #1. Well that changed pretty dramatically. The production will need to stay near that level going forward.

THE DODGER (5-2) V THE GREENS (5-2) – Someone had to lose this game, as in all fantasy games, fuck ties. Well this one would be no tie as Aaron Rodgers and company went nuts yet again. Waiver wire pick up of the week was DeMarco Murray, who rushed for 253 and a score, that’s always nice. Brees does what he has been doing all year and that’s put up huge points, but it wasn’t enough for The Greens as the 128 combined among Rodgers, Forte, Murray and Johnson was enough for the win alone.

 SPINE SNAPPERS (4-3) V TEAM MEXICO (4-3) – Battle for the middle and boy was it an ugly one. Forced to sit Thomas Brady on his bye week, the Snappers started Matty Ice, who whizzed a pedestrian 20 points. Chris Johnson is a jive turkey pussy that doesn’t run the same anymore now that he is all paid and shit. Team Mexico got baked on dirt weed and started a WR on a bye, but seeing what Torrain did, I don’t think it would have mattered. This one needs no further comment, ugly game.

EASY RIDERS (3-4) V BASSTURDZ (2-5) – When your team performs like the Bassturdz did in week 7, you walk into the locker room, toss around a bunch of gasoline and torch the place. That was seriously pathetic. Easy Riders got a game out of Shonn Greene finally and lookie there over on the bench, who is that humming a hymnal rocking back and forth? It’s none other than Teebus. Will we see him make his Easy Riders debut at QB in week 8? Only Christ the Lord on High knows.

FLABSLAB (3-4) V CHINCH BUGS (1-6) – While I’m recapping this slugfest, and by slugfest I mean a practical forfeit, let me say this, if you have issues getting to a computer to set your lineup, let me know and I will set it for you. There should be no reason that four guys on bye are in the lineup. Really, I know you may drink like an Irish dock worker while you’re on a road trip, but shoot me a text and say “plz set my lineup, srsly” and I will.  Cameron Newton is really solidifying his case for rookie of the year on O. And wow, Ray Rice and the rest of the Ravens put on the ugly game of the week on MNF. Guess the timing was right for the SLAB.

Bring on Week 8.

Commi$h

WEEK 1 RECAP

September 15, 2011

White Gandalf hates your team

Aaaaaaaaaand begin, 2011 Fantasy Football is under way and Week 1 is in the books. We celebrated the beginning of a new season on the 10th anniversary of the attacks of September 11 so I give you one of the classic montages created out of the post-twin towers patriotic flurry; behold.

Yes, that is an eagle sitting on Lassie’s back.

CHINCH BUGS (1-0) V THE GREENS (0-1) – Let me just start by saying it sure sucks to be the guy that could have beaten anyone in the league only to be winless after week 1 because the other team was on fire. Chinch Bugs, AKA Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe AKA Mel Kiper’s Hair have emerged as week one’s top of the heap team after most of his players performed admirably. LeSean McCoy looks to be a premier back. The Greens got a ton of solid work as well, beginning with Mr. Brees. The Kenny Britt benching cost them this week and I think I spy three QBs on that roster… “trade bait” is going to be thrown around a bit too casually in the coming weeks.

THE DODGER (1-0) V MOVE LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE (0-1) – Let me just start off by saying this; It’s “FLOAT like a butterfly, sting like a bee” the rest of it is all semantics. The 2010 champ squared up to week one with a 43 point performance from Mr. Rodgers, not a bad way to begin. But this one would be a heavyweight that was ultimately lost by MLABSLAB on the back of the Cowboys…INT and fumble by Romo late and a late TD by the Cowboys D iced it. Dodger had no kicker and won. Forte looked good, Ray Rice is a beast.

EASY RIDERS (1-0) V TIMID PUPPIES (0-1) – Let the Kevin Kolb era begin in Arizona! He looked pretty good and certainly has some targets. Schaub…oh Schaub, I remember this from last year when he was MY quarterback. If you bench him, he goes off, if you start him, well, you see what I’m getting at. Cutler looked as good as he has ever looked in passing for 300+ against Atlanta. I thought that game would be closer. Arian Foster the people needs to get healthy quick. The C-Bomb went nuts on Cleveland and he looked like the Benson of old, nice 39 yard rushing TD. I expect both these teams to win quite a few ball games this year.

SPINE SNAPPERS (1-0) V CANUCKS (0-1) — This may have been the game of the week. The Canucks led 104-57after Sunday’s action. It certainly wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility that Brady could deliver 48 points for the Spine Snappers to win it, but the Canucks also had Darren McFadden rushing against the Denver defense that he feasts upon annually. Soooooo, Brady went off for 71, holy fuck; Snaps up 24. Now the Canucks were on the ropes. McFadden continued to do his thing and it looked certain that he had 25 points in him, but what appeared to be a TD was ruled down at the 1 and Bush got the score. Wow, that was a nail biter.

TEAM MEXICO (1-0) V BASSTURDZ (0-1) – Very even match up here, neither team left anything on the bench and just as many active players shit their pants and didn’t score. Looks like Mexico will have to release the Flacc from here on out because Manning’s return is very questionable. Bassturdz are hurting at QB, this could be an issue, or maybe it was just the Ravens. Big Ben could be fine. Now let’s talk about the guy who is 6-2 250lbs (which I think is being kind) that can swing his fucking leg over his head like it’s on a swivel. That’s right Seb-Jan kicked a 63 yarder on Monday night to open the season, wow. He was knocking them through at 75 yards in pregame. Just imagine what he could do if he wasn’t always on the date rape drug?

Bring on Week 2,

Commi$h

PLAYOFFS ROUND 2

December 21, 2010

And then there were two. The second week of the playoffs is in the books and everything has gone according to plans if you look at the seedings. One and two both advanced and we have the matchup of the two best teams in the Super Bowl. This is by no means the way it always happens, but 2010 is the year of the favorites. Speaking of favorites, cheerleaders are nice too. See video above.

1ST SEED-THE DOGDER V 6TH SEED-SPINE SNAPPERS – After battling through the first round of the playoffs, the Spine Snappers had to make all the right moves to get past the one seed, a tall task. Let’s just make it short and sweet; they did not make all the right moves. It started with a bagel from the TE on Thursday night and only got worse. The coaching call in question was benching Maclin against the Giants in favor of Garcon, who was on a hot streak and facing a porous Jags defense. Well, that did not work out so well, in fact it was enough to be eliminated from the playoffs. The Dodger needed only 7 points from his kicker Robbie Gould, a not so easy task in the snow in Minnesota, but the chore proved easy enough to rain a Gould-en shower all over the Spine Snappers for 16 points. Ray Rice was another MAJOR cog in that wheel for The Dodger as he went off for his best performance of the year aside from Week 5 against Denver. This will be crucial in the next game, which is for all the marbles. THE DODGER 126 – SPINE SNAPPERS 116

2nd SEED-BASSTURDZ V 4TH SEED-TEAM MEXICO – Team Mexico was riding a wave into Round 2 of the playoffs. Beers poppin’, bowls loaded, potential opponents being called out, the world was his oyster, time for a return to glory after last year’s Super Bowl disappointment. So confident was Team Mexico that he spearheaded the effort to eliminate the 3rd place game, which has always paid the buy in for the victor. Then of course there’s the old adage, “that’s why they play the games.” It was at this time that all the candy fell out of TM’s piñata, nobody showed up. Meanwhile, Bassturdz got major work out of a team of 7. TO went out, Gates was out and Heap of shit didn’t play, didn’t matter to the Bassturdz. No drama; just points. Ball game BASSTURDZ 107 – TEAM MEXICO 64

SUPER BOWL PREVIEW

1ST SEED-THE DODGER V 2ND SEED-BASSTURDZ – Well well well, one v two for the freaking trophy. This one should be very interesting. We know Matty Ice will be a slinging the ball around the field against New Orleans on Monday night. The question is, will Brady be doing the same thing against Buffalo? Or will he be on the bench by halftime because the Pats have already locked up their playoff position? If you look at matchups, The Dodger has the more favorable matchups for his players; see MJD @ Washington and Rice @ Cleveland. Bassturdz have an edge at WR, as both Colston and Andre Johnson are playing at a high level. Foster is hurt so look for Schaub to find Johnson a lot against a sorry Denver team, Champ Bailey be damned. Oakland is playing Indy so McFadden will get loose, but Oakland has a decent secondary and LBs, so will Tamme get loose? As for the defenses, flip a coin, both are playing lousy opponents, but the Cowboys had a hard time stopping Rex Grossman. Pats had a hard time against young Matt Flynn too, but edge goes to the Patriots. Both Teams are 9-5 going into the Super Bowl, but only one can emerge with the magical 10th win. Handicapping the big one is tough; edge The Dodger.

Now who wants to play the bridesmaid Spine Snappers for a case of beer?

Commi$h

PLAYOFFS

December 14, 2010

 

“Breathe deeply boys, you’re in for a bumpy ride”

Well, the season has come and gone and round one of the playoffs is in the books. While the Dodger and Bassturdz sat at home and breathed easy as player performance had no ramifications one way or the other, four owners screamed at their televisions, and for one owner, screamed at the cable provider because the NFL Redzone was out for the first hour of the games. With the collapse of the roof in Minny, a 2nd Monday night game was added to the schedule, upping the ante even further in the Wildcard round.

4TH SEED-TEAM MEXICO V 5TH SEED-CANUCKS – The intrigue was high in first matchup; two playoff teams from last year, one being the Super Bowl Runner Up and the other a two time winner. Canucks came into the playoffs having scored more points than any team, while Team Mexico came into the playoffs as one of the hottest teams after starting the season 1-4. Canucks had a couple tough decisions to make in the player personnel department, neither of which would have made a difference in the end, but this one was over by 6:00PM on Sunday evening. Eight of nine players done and 49 points on the board, not going to do it. Team Mexico seared up some steaks while Tom Brady filleted the Bears in the snow, hitting Welker for 100+ receiving yards (a first for Welker this year) and Gronkowski for an early TD. The decision of which QB to play has all of a sudden become pretty easy for TM now that the Broncos completely suck ass. FINAL SCORE-Team Mexico 112 Canucks 66.

3RD SEED-THE GREENS V 6TH SEED-SPINE SNAPPERS – After both teams took a tumble in the standings to finish the season, what would happen in this match up was anybody’s guess. As the early games wound down, the Greens were in a really good spot, Michael Turner and his tree trunk legs ran for over 100 and 3 TDs, which is nice. On top of that, Spine Snappers were basically scoreless until late in the 2nd half of the first set of games, not much production out of any of the players. As the dust settled on Sunday’s game, The Greens held a 34 point lead and the Spine Snappers needed big games from both the Giants D and Matt Schaub. It wasn’t looking good for the Snaps as the slapdick receivers for the Texans dropped 7 of the first 12 passes Schaub threw. But as the half wound down, the Texas passing game got wound up and the score was damn near even. Schaub continued to throw for the FF win and the Snappers advance. FINAL SCORE-The Greens 89 Spine Snappers 124

Playoff Preview

1ST SEED-THE DODGER V 6TH SEED-SPINE SNAPPERS – The Dodger put up some major league points on the bye week, which is a double edged sword because while you want that type of output when you’re playing and not on a bye week, it also shows that your team is producing. Tom Brady is the best QB in the league, hands down. Fourth round draft pick in this year’s draft. This mofo is dealing as evidenced by his complete destruction of the Chicago defense in a freaking Arctic blizzard. I would look for the Tom to continue his gun slinging ways, he has put up 40 or more points in 4 of the last 5 weeks and hasn’t thrown a pick since week 6. As for the Snappers, this team continues to put up solid points, but the loss of Frank Gore has really taken a bit of consistency out of the Snappers game. It will be interesting to see the result of this one, but got to give the edge to the Dodger.

2ND SEED-BASSTURDZ V 4TH SEED-TEAM MEXICO – The Bassturdz are in the playoffs as the two seed for a few reasons. One is that they score 100+ points on a regular basis and two is they have the best WR in the league, Andre Johnson. He continues to go out there, sack it up and score. Gotta love that in your stallion. Matt Ryan, or Matty Ice as he was known in his Boston College days, has been wicked solid for the Turdz, but the question is will the Falcons jump all over the Seahawks and run the ball for the rest of the game, much like they did last Sunday at Carolina? The bigger question is at TE, as Gates is an integral part of this lineup. For Team Mexico, the Tom Brady ride continues, so start em if you got em. TMs main RB put up sorry numbers with a new QB. Is now the time to hope that Favre actually plays? And the other stud RB Fred Jackson is playing against the nasty Pats D. This my friends will be a battle. Very tough on to pick, but edge to Team Mexico because I don’t know if the Turdz have a TE.

COMMI$H

WEEK 10 RECAP

November 16, 2010

Let me just start by saying that Coach Brown WILL NOT give up without a fight…as long as that means you can count fighting with members of the media. Anyhooooo, let’s get down to the business at hand. Sorry for the spotty recaps this year, I know it’s tough when your team whips an ass one week and you don’t get your congratulatory pat on the ass. Nice job kid, keep up the good work. Three short weeks left in the regular season and only six can go through to the postseason. Everyone perceives that they have a chance, but not for long.

THE GREENS (7-3) V BASSTURDZ (6-4) – All good things must come to an end, and for The Greens, that meant the three game streak that vaulted him to the top of the standings with 7 wins was squashed at the hands of the Turdz. It all began Thursday when the Bassturdz played 43 with Matthews to The Greens 3 with Turner; party started. Scrappy Fitzpatrick was not able to get it done this time and Marshall is kind of a head case, so it was difficult for the Greens to keep smoking. Andre Johnson did what he does and the Bassturdz started Janikowski even though he was on his bye week, tripping on X and canoodling with Russian strippers. Nice gig.

TEAM MEXICO (6-4) V EASY RIDERS (3-7) – Speaking of smoking, Team Mexico is on fire. After starting 1-4, the beans have ripped off 5 straight wins to vault themselves well into playoff contention. This time on the arm of Flacco. The scary part is that if he could have picked the right QB each week, he’d be leading the league in points by a mile. For the Easy Riders, the road gets pretty rough going forward, all must win games. I’m sure Peyton Manning NOT throwing a touchdown pass was purely an aberration, expect more in week 11.

CANUCKS (6-4) V TIMID PUPPIES (4-6) – Very ironic that the two highest scoring teams in the league have mirror opposite records. Timid Puppies last two games have been explosions of points, 276 in two games, and he’s getting them from the entire starting lineup. Depth for this squad is another subject entirely. The Canucks are right in the mix as usual and in fact put up a pretty decent score after Mike Wallace’s big performance on Sunday night. But it wouldn’t be enough. This theme continued in Week 10 for another team.

THE DODGER (6-4) V SPINE SNAPPERS (5-5) – In What appeared to be a lopsided game, The Dodger trailed 131-87 after all the afternoon games had been played. With only one player left, Ben Gropethisfurburger, it was looking bleak for The Dodger. And after one half of play, the QB had only amassed 5 points. But in a tale of two halves, the Steelers mounted a comeback, not unlike Big Ben in a bathroom, and when the dust settled, The Dodger had a 7 point lead going into MNF. Spine Snappers needed yards and a TD from Maclin to make it to the .500 mark and got it right before halftime. Michael Vick came out of the gates like rabid dog and the Eagles scored 5 TDs in the first half. Tough to lose when you score more than 7 other teams. But fantasy football is like that.

SOMEHWERE OVER D-WAYNE BOWE (4-6) V EARMUFFS (3-7) – This game could be, no, in fact it is the comeback of the season. Going in to MNF, Earmuffs trailed 83-28 and it looked all but certain that SODWB would snap his 3-game slide. But as we all know, you’re always in it if you have a dog in the fight…especially if his name is Mike Vick. Vick put up a season high 72 points, which would have been enough to win it, but Earmuffs also has McCoy, who added another 15 for good measure. SODWB’s waiver wire QB turned out nicely, but the double Tights experiment backfired as Pettigrew and Gonzales both shit the bed. This can be a brutal game.